A Humorous Middle -The Tribune

By on October 21, 2017, in Facts & Info, Humour, Miscellaneous

 

 

 


If Osama was holed up here!
by Amar Chandel

Ever since American Navy Seals killed Osama bin Laden in an operation inside Pakistan, idle talk has been going on here as to why India does not carry out similar daring missions. Banish the thought, friends. We would not even dream of such “unprecedented, unconstitutional and illegal” activity that militates against the principles of “ahimsa”.

 

Leave alone Pakistan, even if he were hiding here, we would have handled things strictly according to established democratic procedures. In all probability, the situation would have unfolded in the following fashion:

Policemen would have visited his house and after the customary grant of “kharcha-pani”,  would have issued him a character certificate  that he was a bona fide Indian citizen named Osama Kumar with a yellow BPL (below poverty line) ration card.

He would have also armed himself with a stay order against any kind of forcible eviction. He would have also approached several minority organisations for support.

Some parties would have sent him feelers that if he joins their organisation, all his purported crimes would be forgiven and forgotten. Not only that, he would also be made head of the foreign cell of the party. Everybody is innocent till his guilt is proved in a court of law.

There may have also been a ban on causing any kind of damage to his house, it having been declared a protected monument.

The government would have taken at least 20 years to decide what impact a raid would have on Muslim votes. There would have been many seminars suggesting that instead of acting against him, the government should invite him to the negotiating table.

If at all action became unavoidable, there would have been a heated discussion to decide in which police station’s jurisdiction his house fell.

The satellite pictures of the locality where he was holed up would have been leaked out, not for what was found within his compound, but for the accidentally recorded salacious activities of couples living in the  neighbourhood. These would have been a rage on the MMS circuit.

Even if the government gathered the political courage to send a raiding party, Mayawati would have objected vehemently to the composition of the commando team if it did not have enough Dalit representation.

The moment the raiding helicopters became airborne, the news would have reached the dharna types, who would have started a relay fast and candlelight vigil atop his house protesting against such state-sponsored terrorism against an ailing, hapless person on flimsy grounds. Human rights organisations would have formed a human chain.

There would have been 50 OB vans of TV channels outside the house beaming minute-by-minute progress of the commando operation “exclusively”.

The more enterprising ones would be even airing interviews of his family members, relatives, friends, neighbours and admirers shedding copious tears that he was totally innocent. The visuals of his philanthropic work would have been telecast repeatedly.

No question of his being shot. He would have been arrested – without being handcuffed, of course — and would have gone to jail amidst lusty slogans such as “Obamaji aap sangharsh karo hum tumhare saath hain”. Top lawyers would have come forward to defend him. Even if he were sentenced, he would have either been released in exchange for kidnapped relatives of some minister or would have been let off within a year or two due to good conduct in jail. He would have definitely won an election with a record margin and become a minister.

Publishing houses would have offered him billions for his autobiography. Bollywood too would have paid him astronomical sums to star in a multilingual film tentatively titled “Victim of Circumstances”.

Oh Osama, if only you knew what a tactical blunder you made by going to Pakistan!

 

 

 

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